Chance

I have been afraid of writing. Perhaps its guilt. The haunting inside me persists, but I have not approached it. If I do know why then I am in denial. Perhaps it is fear. Fear of rejection.
I started writing a novel. I have heard it said that we are in love with our own writing. If that is true then I can only believe my novel so far is amazing.

Writing is scary. I have gone to secret places and exposed myself in words. I have saved in Word these words.

It must be rejection I fear. Writing is vulnerable. The only question is when will I allow myself to be vulnerable and fully criticized.

So many brilliant humans have lived this earth never to have known their own footprints.

Mineral of Love

I have this daunting question that silently hovers in the back of my mind about whether everyone in this life is entitled to find their one true love.

If the answer is yes, does it mean for those who never found love, they personally kept away that love?

Steadfast love between two people fascinates me and amazes me. It, is in my opinion the most precious natural resource the earth possesses. It can not be bought, traded or sold, it just finds people.

The few who are strong, hold on to it.

Where is God, Really?

I would think I was crazy, if I wasn't right here.

My story:

Im a backslider. Thats what the church I grew up in as a child would have called me.

I made a decision when I was 17, maybe I was already 18, that it all was not for me. I didn't go down that last alter call.

21 years later, and Im doing just fine. God is just not in the picture. I don't even think about a god or religion.

I don't do bad things. I live a respectable, moral life. I work, pay my bills, and be as kind to people as allowed. I can't lie even if I was offered chocolate -well that depends on the lie, of course. But, really, I can't. just ask my parents!

I don't go to church. I don't want to.

I believe that religion was only created in an attempt to keep people in line, way back in the prehistoric days.

So, for me, its unnecessary.

I'm not inclined to hurt anyone, or to do anything at all, ever that would hurt or take away from any other person.

So why today did some random stranger give me a "message from God?"

I don't even think whether or not there is such a thing as god! I don't.

I believe religion is something you have to choose when you are an adult. I think it is wrong to subject children to religious view and indoctrination, since they are unable to decipher such things and it only can be brainwashing to expose children to religion. What else can they believe?

I watch the ABC show Medium. And, I get that. But, bring it into the present real life, and I don't know what I want to think

Wanna know what happened that shook me up so much? I think because Ive been away from this pshyco stuff so long, I was taken by surprise.

First, I have to explain my week.

I've probably had the most challenging week for me as a parent.

Monday, I discovered Maryjane, in my youngest son's backpack and on Wednesday, my middle son moved into his own apartment following a 30 day eviction notice I gave him because he
dropped out of his senior year of high school and 30 days ago,I found him in his room passed out with an empty 1.5 liter of jack daniels on the floor.

Great week.

So today, Im at this building center, looking for stuff to remodel the room that my 18 yr old son just moved out of.

I was about to leave and I went back to ask the owner guy a question. Out of the blue the owner, Daniel, the owner, looked at me and said "Can i ask you a question?" Well, I said "yes".
He asked "How is your walk with the lord?" I said "excuse me???" "Are you serious?" Yes, he responded. Then, he said "Are you a christian?" Dumbfounded, I said, "uh, been there", and not sure what I said after that, then he said, "well God is telling me to tell you, he is not dissappointed in you". I probably looked at him with as much disbelief that he was actually saying this to me, and he continued to say to me, "You've had a tough time lately and God wants you to come back"

So, I looked at Daniel, and said, "haven't we all, thank you Daniel, have a good day" and I turned and walked away.

So, its like so frickin weird. He just out of the blue some random stranger picks on me on one of my darkest moments. I was not in the slightest showing any reason at all that it was not a good week. In fact, I was in one of my better moods today and joking with my son.

So, since I seem to forget details to everything at the end of each day, Im blogging today, while its still a fresh wound. I think I am in the beginning stages of alzheimer, since I come home at the end of the day, and forget where I put things in the morning. Its become a game. I hide things in the morning, and when I come home I forgot where I put them.

Scary. This is my life. Hmmm