New Years - Again. Almost repetitive.

It seems like we do this ever year. The difference this year is I turned 40. I think the one thing I've realized this year is just how fast the rest of my life is going to go. Good or bad, the reality that this is my life settles on my mind like gum stuck on the bottom of my shoe, crammed deep down in the crevasse always and forever. I have not decided whether I am either happy or the less, just that I now know the secret of what they were trying to tell me when I was still young.

Remember how fun it was to pretend to be something? Freeing your imagination to take you on amazing journeys to magical places that belonged only to you. I went on a hike yesterday by myself and had a faint glimpse of my childhood world as if it never left and was waiting for me to return. Perhaps...

Roll Windows Down

I am presently at one of those points in my life where it seems nothing very exciting is happening. I guess if it seems nothing exciting is happening, then most likely its not. I think partly its because three weeks ago I ran Hood to Coast which was an exhilarating and challenging experience for me and now the high has run its course. I really need more cowbell. But, its crucial to hope for more twists and turns are up ahead. Now, I am merely in a straight stretch trying not to nod off the road. I guess I need to roll down the windows, throw my arms to the wind and blast some music. Maybe some BOC.

What If I Died Last Monday

If I had died last Monday...

My favorite shirt I put in the dryer Sunday night would still be tumbling in the heat (my dryer timer is broken)

On Monday, my clothes would remain in piles unfolded on my bedroom floor

On Tuesday, I wouldn't have overslept and been late for work

On Wednesday, I wouldn't have read that email from my friend planning for our run on Thursday

On Thursday - I wouldn't have experienced the perfect storm that blew through Portland. . .

and, I wouldn't have laughed with my friend on the phone about having to cancel our run due to the storm that blew through Portland

and, I wouldn't have talked to my sister on the phone on my way home from work while sitting in traffic for an hour due to the storm that blew through Portland.

and, I wouldn't have reminisced with my dad on the phone on my way home from work while sitting in traffic for an hour in the storm about past Rose Festival parades and how I couldn't go to this year's, and saying maybe next year...

On Friday, I wouldn't have stayed up late preparing for the baby shower I was giving for a friend on Saturday...

And on Saturday, I wouldn't have heard the news that my childhood sister/friend had died on Monday.

And, I wouldn't be spending this moment really evaluating my life.

In memory of my friend Kelly Huddleston Johnson who lived her life in a way that brought joy and inspiration to others. You can watch some of her performances on You Tube, on the video bar below.

Where is God, Really?

I would think I was crazy, if I wasn't right here.

My story:

Im a backslider. Thats what the church I grew up in as a child would have called me.

I made a decision when I was 17, maybe I was already 18, that it all was not for me. I didn't go down that last alter call.

21 years later, and Im doing just fine. God is just not in the picture. I don't even think about a god or religion.

I don't do bad things. I live a respectable, moral life. I work, pay my bills, and be as kind to people as allowed. I can't lie even if I was offered chocolate -well that depends on the lie, of course. But, really, I can't. just ask my parents!

I don't go to church. I don't want to.

I believe that religion was only created in an attempt to keep people in line, way back in the prehistoric days.

So, for me, its unnecessary.

I'm not inclined to hurt anyone, or to do anything at all, ever that would hurt or take away from any other person.

So why today did some random stranger give me a "message from God?"

I don't even think whether or not there is such a thing as god! I don't.

I believe religion is something you have to choose when you are an adult. I think it is wrong to subject children to religious view and indoctrination, since they are unable to decipher such things and it only can be brainwashing to expose children to religion. What else can they believe?

I watch the ABC show Medium. And, I get that. But, bring it into the present real life, and I don't know what I want to think

Wanna know what happened that shook me up so much? I think because Ive been away from this pshyco stuff so long, I was taken by surprise.

First, I have to explain my week.

I've probably had the most challenging week for me as a parent.

Monday, I discovered Maryjane, in my youngest son's backpack and on Wednesday, my middle son moved into his own apartment following a 30 day eviction notice I gave him because he
dropped out of his senior year of high school and 30 days ago,I found him in his room passed out with an empty 1.5 liter of jack daniels on the floor.

Great week.

So today, Im at this building center, looking for stuff to remodel the room that my 18 yr old son just moved out of.

I was about to leave and I went back to ask the owner guy a question. Out of the blue the owner, Daniel, the owner, looked at me and said "Can i ask you a question?" Well, I said "yes".
He asked "How is your walk with the lord?" I said "excuse me???" "Are you serious?" Yes, he responded. Then, he said "Are you a christian?" Dumbfounded, I said, "uh, been there", and not sure what I said after that, then he said, "well God is telling me to tell you, he is not dissappointed in you". I probably looked at him with as much disbelief that he was actually saying this to me, and he continued to say to me, "You've had a tough time lately and God wants you to come back"

So, I looked at Daniel, and said, "haven't we all, thank you Daniel, have a good day" and I turned and walked away.

So, its like so frickin weird. He just out of the blue some random stranger picks on me on one of my darkest moments. I was not in the slightest showing any reason at all that it was not a good week. In fact, I was in one of my better moods today and joking with my son.

So, since I seem to forget details to everything at the end of each day, Im blogging today, while its still a fresh wound. I think I am in the beginning stages of alzheimer, since I come home at the end of the day, and forget where I put things in the morning. Its become a game. I hide things in the morning, and when I come home I forgot where I put them.

Scary. This is my life. Hmmm

End of Day

My body is desperately begging me to crawl myself to bed, close my eyes and once again begin the cycle of waking up to radio chatter, hitting snooze and momentarily drifting back into my dream only to be beckoned once more by my insistent cell phone alarm. Alternately, my mind is stirring with ideas it has suppressed all during the day when my time belongs to others and I am unable to let my creative voice cry out.

I can feel it deep inside but buried too far beneath the 9-5 routine to break free and just become.

My story is patient and lies dormant just waiting for me to discover that its really not buried so deep.

Energize Me Its Monday

Inevitably, the weekend has left us and took with it our beautiful sunshine. As much as I love, scratch that, crave the animated color and warmth of the sun as it beams down upon our northwest landscape, I won't move away to any other place that might enjoy its company more often than we do. So, I guess I love living among green things even more than I do being hit by sunbeams, as wonderful as that may be. It would be nice, however, if one of the results of "global warming", was for more sunshiny days in P-town.


I worked all weekend in my yard (except for my backyard - which, I am not going to touch- as I indicated in a previous post). And so, as the sun set yesterday evening after I had pushed the final pile of debris into the compost pile, upon impulse, I did a drive-by of my yard.

I drove around the block and back from every possible direction, to see what my blood (literally) and perspiration had inspired. And Mom said it was good. I had a small glimpse into how the creator may have felt after the seventh day.

When I found it to my satisfaction I decided to take a picture. Alas, my camera blinked "change the batteries" and I decided, that is how I felt too. Wouldn't it be sweet if we could just shut off when we had had enough, and blink "change the batteries".

My battery change, if I could do so, would be a week-long cruise where I could be pampered and not have to cook or clean up after anyone else. While I was away on this spectacular cruise, someone would be repainting and making repairs to my house, and doing all the laundry. And I would return refreshed to a home without a list of to do's.

Ahhh, Energize Me!

What Happens to Blogs When a Blogger Dies?

Alone with my random thoughts the other day, I wondered what will happen to my blog after I die. Aside from the obvious, that it would sit unattended collecting “webdust”, more precisely the question in my head was for just how long? 50, 60, or even 100 years? Just how long will the blogosphere be around? Will bloggers still be musing their thoughts online 50-100 years from now? If so, it would be quite possible that my blog will remain just as long, if not even longer.

Imagine, had the internet been around in the 1600’s, 1700’s or 1800’s, what collections of personal accounts we would have to link us to the past. Astounding! On a personal note, how cool would it be to read a journal posted by my great, great, great Grandmother? To discover what they thought about, and how they felt first hand about events going on in their time. My great grandchildren, may be able to do just that!

It is hard to imagine a world that continues on beyond our life span, or even that of our children, but we should when it comes to our blogs. The personal accounts of many generations before us remain lost in a past without photographs or recordings. However, today each and every moment can be captured in the moment, so that future generations will have an open window into our thoughts and emotions, to learn how we lived, felt and believed.

Food for thought: How many blogs out there right now already collecting webdust, because their blog author has deceased and we will never know.

I’ll try and blog right before I die, so you’ll know.

Resuming Construction

Today, as I was driving in to work, a song on the radio took me back in time and I began thinking of someone. It's not that I have not thought about this person before through the years, but this time along with my remembrance, came a feeling of absence. I actually missed them. Throughout the day today I actually found myself captured in a sort of hypnotic, daydream like net of reminiscence. My mind was intricately surrounded by an overwhelming sense of this person.

I think I have discovered a pattern about myself. What it means, I have no clue. But, I tend to like to delve into my past and bring back people or ideas that were once close to me and conduct a kind of "where are they now" episode of My Life.

Devotion for Today

We all have dreams of what we think would be the perfect life for ourselves. If we just had [fill in the blank], we are sure then we would be complete and fulfilled. How many of us though really ever come close to realizing those dreams? Rather, most of us live each day with a temporary mindset waiting for all of those things to happen while inevitably life passes us by.

In my case, I'm sure holding on to my "temporary mindset" protects me from having a complete nervous break-down. In fact, on really bad days, the belief that someday it won't be like this, is all that pulls me through.

As I reflect back on my life thus far, I realize that I really have come a long way to better the life for myself and my boys. However, despite the significant positive changes that have occured in my life, I still believe it should be better and so, I continue living as if this were only temporary.

And so, we forge through our lives living in what we view as a preliminary state to our eventual future happiness. We hold on to hope that "someday" our life will not be filled with so much anxiety, stress, unfullfillment and whatever we believe to be less than perfect, so as to avoid the dissappointment that maybe we are living the reality of our life.

In reality, today is the only day we have. There are no guaranties we will get another. What type of place would our world be if everyone out there lived each day believing there would be no other? Tonight when you watch the news, you will hear about the people who didn't.

Go out and live, love, learn and make someone else smile - Today.

Its Like Rich European Chocolate - Love

Last June when my fiance broke up with me, I was told it would take 8 months for me to feel myself again. (Calculated 1 month recovery for every 2 months of a relationship)

"Myself" meaning that:

My heart would no longer jump into my throat everytime the phone rang late at night thinking that maybe, just maybe it was him calling to apologize for being so stupid and beg me back;

I would no longer scan every license plate of every black BMW, or Ford 350 I pass on the road in case it was him;

I would delete and no longer update the MFM personal ad I placed for him on Craigslist;

I would be able to go out in public without paranoia of running into him; and

I would no longer consider slashing the tires on his car if indeed I did run into him in public.

It worked! Exactly 8 months have passed now and except for this blog, I have scooted him out of my thoughts. And the pain that I viewed as such a loss in my life, has been replaced by relief that I won't spend the rest of my life with an obsessive, controlling freakazoid. Sure, I still have the scar tissue wrapped around my heart, that will never dissappear. And thankfully so. It serves as a reminder to me to not "fall" for anything less than someone who can fill that place in my heart 100% and be everything I need.

It's just like when I have a craving for chocolate -- I'll devour an entire bag of chocolate chips cause that's what I have on hand, but it never completely satisifes that desire for the real thing - -, rich, european-chocolate -- if I could just wait.

In fact, I have a date this Saturday night. I think I'll order the chocolate fondue.